Confronting the future alone....

My friend's father passed away last night. I never met the man and I'm not sure what relationship my friend had with his father. I've known my friend for fifteen years and didn't hear him mention his father. He mentioned his mother from time to time and I know he and she were close.

My own father and I don't speak, its by my choice. I don't consider him a father, more of a name on a birth certificate. That's where I consider the responsibility ending on his part. Not for legal purposes, more so by his actions.

Hearing the news about my friend's father passing made me remember my friend Dennis. Soon after I moved to the US in 1993, I was lucky to get a job with Air Canada, where I met Dennis and also my friend who suffered last night's bereavement.

Dennis and I hit it off and became close friends. He was 25 years older than me so could have been the same age as my real father (was only five years behind in fact). Dennis had good qualities, great qualities....and some bad qualities. I have learned that I am taking the good and the great and I'll acknowledge the bad although I know I won't repeat the bad....

I met Dennis in 1994, he was my friend, actually he still is my friend. He passed away on July 4th, 2009. He has been my friend through a divorce, a relocation to Tennessee and many changes in between.

He wasn't my father but I learned a lot from him only because he had been through many experiences himself before and was able to impart personal knowledge rather than fluffy bullshit that some do.

I miss him every day, and there's one thing I miss more than most and that is that I can't call him on the way home from work. I used to call him, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for thirty minutes, but he'd always answer the call and make time for me no matter what he had going on.

He never met my daughter, he had planned to come to Nashville in mid-July 2009 and had heard my daughter's voice on the phone, but he never met her. I would have been so proud to have him meet her, he would have seen his spirit in her I'm sure.

I miss Dennis every day. He wasn't my father, and to me that doesn't matter. I have a father but my father absolved himself from his responsibilities very early and after we met, Dennis assumed the role of advisor, counselor and probably most of all, a non-judgemental listener. Dennis used to always wish he wasn't right about some things, because he knew it was not what I wanted to hear. But only because he had been through it himself, he knew his outcome would be the one I would see in that particular situation.

I wish everyone would have a father like Dennis, he has two wonderful daughters who can claim that. I don't claim anything other than I was lucky to know him. If I had to pack a backpack for a journey through life, I would want his spirit in it.

I don't know that this would console my friend in the loss he is experiencing, perhaps it will go someway towards doing so. Sometimes there are people we will meet who will touch us along the way, and we need to remember that they do, because otherwise we will be approaching the future empty-handed.

Je suis sur que ton pere te manque dans ces jours la. J'espere que sa memoire, et surtout les bons moments dont vous en avez eu ensemble, t'aide un peu parmi les emotions vraiment difficiles que tu vis en ce moment.

Weather and mood gloomy.....

Today is a day where I was hoping for some trail walking but the weather knocked that on the head! More storms coming through here today. Should be pretty rough tonight and through the night. Be glad when its done, there's some serious yard work that needs to be done and I need a couple of boiling hot days to get it done!

I'm feeling a bit down this morning. I'm trying my best to forget about the interview last week. I did everything right, nailed the interview, followed up with thank you notes to all I met, on some high quality note paper too. They would have received them yesterday. So there's no more I can do. But, I'm slightly losing the battle of trying to put it out of my mind.

My ADD medicine is great. It helps me focus and stay on task. But overall I'm feeling pretty down now about not having a job. I'm excited on one side because of my knowledge of my ADD and applying what I've learned in terms of focus and attention. I know any new opportunity will be something new for me in so many ways and I really am excited about it.

But, I second-guess myself about the last six months. Have I done enough? Have I been focused enough? Is there any more I could have done, or people I could have talked to? I've rekindled some good business relationships with key people which is really great. I know I've done a lot but there is no job.

I need to stop beating myself up about it, when I was fired, the market was dead for two months and then we had a trip to Ireland which really fucked us financially but it had been booked for a while and my mother needed to meet my daughter. So the job search really didn't see any traction until early February. So that's only about ten or eleven weeks ago. I've had some good interviews and some great feedback. If we were looking to relocate, we'd be fine. But we're staying here for now.

Our money situation is ok for now, tax refund is coming up so that will be like another ten weeks of unemployment and if I get an unemployment extension, that may help too. Ideally I'd like to be working but if that's what we have to get by, that's what we will do. My wife and daughter are great but its pressure on them too. Pressure to maintain rather than grow. I get really down about things and it gets even worse when everyone comes home and I've got nothing to show for the day while I've been at home. I don't feel like I'm being blamed for not doing things, but I feel like I should do those little things that you always wish you had time for when you're working.

My pride is hurting big time, I retreat when I feel down and become very internal. Yeah, I'm guilty of cracking a beer when that happens. The highs and lows of ADD really fuck with me. If I've a great idea I'm nervous about telling my wife because she might think "Oh, shit, here we go again. What is it this time?".

I know the solution is baby steps, do what you can, when you can, as best as you can, with whatever you have. This morning I did - fixed the garbage disposal and finally found a way to fix the light above the sink. It helps to do the little things that will mean something in the long run.

I know I'll have a job and I know we will be ok. I know this time is not a portrait of who and what I am. Its a change in circumstance and not the overall picture.

I'm going to work out with weights today due to the weather. And tomorrow I will go to the pool to swim a few lengths (storms permitting....they close the pool in thunderstorms). I'm still keeping track of the diet on livestrong.com and its going ok. Snacking is killing me. Chips and chocolate are the worst. I don't drink soda and I do drink beer, but I actually keep a good lid on each of those.

I will make the rest of today a productive time. Sorry for the down tone on the post, but just felt like taking a snapshot. Will be better from now on today.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
Winston Churchill

Great interview...

Had a really great interview yesterday, probably the best I've ever done. I completely nailed it, had good answers and even better questions which I got valuable answers to. I don't know what the chances are, but this was just the confidence boost I needed.

This morning, got up and hit the trail again. I did five miles, but before I left I hopped on the scales. The suit felt a little loose yesterday and I thought I'd see a positive number on the scales.

The number wasn't the one I wanted.....but, at least I know now that I've got to stop snacking on chocolate and ice cream and I've got to get more consistent sleep. I've probably got about five hours both of the last two nights, so I'm not resting as I should be. I probably could add in all the stress of finding a new job which is adding to the lack of progress on the weight issue.

I've noticed muscles developing in my legs thanks to the trail work, and also in my arms due to the kettlebell work. Seeing tangible progress is huge and spurs me on to train longer and harder.

Its family swimming night tonight and I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter in the pool. She is very excited for all of us to go and it should be a lot of fun!

Need to transplant the veggies tonight, I've been putting it off for too long and also need to do a little more on my book which I'm thinking about all the time and generating ideas, but really need to get the next chapter done.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain

Let's hope things don't come in threes......

Today I had my second phone interview of the week. The first one was yesterday and was for a position I was tailor-made for. The conversation was great and the guy and I saw eye-to-eye on everything. Final question he had was how open I was on relocating to Charlotte, North Carolina. None of this had come up before nor was it in the job description. Needless to say the brakes went on the conversation right there. However, we left it where he would come back to me if anything changed.

After the conversation yesterday I was very pissed off. Being out for so long is weighing on me more and more lately. We're going through our savings and although our tax refund is a big one, it will go to pay some bills so we won't really get much of a benefit out of it. After the interview I went trail walking and did five miles. Still was a bit pissed off after the walk. But the day was ok after a while. I got the email from the recruiter which led to the phone call today so I ended the day pretty positive.

I did another five miles this morning, though I really wanted to do a third lap. Got home, showered, changed and had a protein shake with a banana. Felt really good.

The position on today's call was remotely managing a number of distribution centers in the Eastern US and Canada. Right up my street. The position also needed to be based in the South-Central US. Again, right up my street - I'm in Nashville. So we went through the initial history of resume details and then she asked me how open I was to relocation. I said that the position was remotely managing operations and so I thought Nashville would be a great location. Not! She said the company is based in Tulsa, Oklahoma and this position would be required to be based there.

First reaction was Fuck! Not again. But then I said that while I would prefer to not relocate, I would be willing to listen to what the relocation package would be. I would need more than just moving costs and temporary housing. I would need some serious help selling this house or them to buy it from me. The recruiter got a little pissed off that I seemed to be downplaying their relocation package. I explained that its the basic need I would have if I were to look at moving. She said she would look at it and get back to me. Let's just say I'm not over-confident in this lady, especially as she got an attitude when I questioned the relo!

Tomorrow I have an in-person interview with a gift card company, for a Senior Manager role. I think it will go well and I'm looking forward to this one. I'm meeting with about six people and I hope it will be bouncing from one office to another. Although after a recent experience with a large company who shall remain nameless, I was hit with meeting with seven people all at once for three hours. So if its that way I'm ready.

I'm well prepared for this one and just this morning, I received an email from a friend I used to work with in NJ years ago who is in the incentive business. He was CEO of a competitor of the company I'm meeting with tomorrow and promised me a recommendation if I needed it. That was some seriously good news this morning!

Now I'm getting ready to transplant my vegetables into larger pots. They are growing like crazy and are almost ready for planting outside. Its my first season growing my own vegetables, so hopefully it will be moderately successful.

I'm still keeping calories on Livestrong.com. Weight around 225 still but I have had some draft beer which kills it. Stress also does it I've noticed so I need to try to get some stress relief somewhere!! Another kettlebell workout today also which will be good.

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
Chinese Proverb

Finally Friday

Friday finally rolls around today.

First, xrays from yesterday showed nothing so the doctor recommends getting fitted for running shoes. Actually fitted shoes are what I wear, so we'll have to figure that one out.

Big phone interview today. Met with a friend last night who helped me with some additional pointers on it, so really looking forward to it. Have another one which will be more technical on Monday morning, but first things first.

My weight is down a bit today, about a pound from yesterday. It really is hard work getting it down, but worth it! Bad storms coming through here today, so may just do some kettlebell today.

Calorie count is good, but last night had a few beers so that blew yesterday. Although net was about 500 calories in the right direction, so unhappy but not too much so. Time to right the ship today.

Looking forward to a positive weekend with the family, although inlaws are being unusually distant this week. Could have something to do with me, but that's enough for a hundred blog posts right there! Haha!! Best to say they could do much much better, although if it hasn't changed by now, it never will!

Hope everyone has a great day today!

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.

John Quincy Adams

Thursday

Sorry have not posted in a few days, will explain further down.

Today is an off day for exercise. I've a small pain in one of my toes and I'm seeing the doctor about it this morning. I'm thinking it might be a bone chip that's floating around and snags itself somewhere every now and then. Whatever it is hopefully she will sort it out.

Yesterday I pushed hard on the trails. I did three laps of the 2.5 mile circuit for the first time. It was tough, its not only the trails but the changes in elevation, about 500+ft each lap. Legs felt fine afterwards and sweated out a lot which I felt really good about. Met a guy on the third lap who complained about the incline we were going up and he couldn't believe that I was on lap three!! Really positive effort yesterday. Wore a heart monitor also just to see what the heart rate is. Very surprised to see efforts going into the 96-97% of max. sometimes, although thankfully I had a huge cardio checkup in January and all tests came back well, so the ticker is in good shape. Otherwise I'd be more concerned!

I'm keeping up with my calorie counting on Livestrong.com, so far doing ok. Had to be careful yesterday because after the exercise it showed I had 3600 calories left. I tried hard to not go crazy and ended up with 1540 calories left in the bank at the end of the day. Overall not bad but I can do better. My weight is decent and going in the right direction. I'm at 226.4 this morning, down 1.5lbs from Tuesday and overall down almost 10lbs from the starting weight. My short-term goal is to be at 215lbs by the end of April, though that will be close at the moment. I'm learning more and more about calories and also just how tough and what discipline is required for it. I'm enjoying it more and more although I'm realizing that beer doesn't help. I've cut down on draft beer in a huge way, only drinking bottled beer now. Still need to do less of that though. I did have some draft beers yesterday and I've found that 48 hours after the beers is when the weight gain shows up. My kettlebell workouts are going great and are really enjoyable. I'm seeing results in my arms which feels great and encouraging. I think that's the big push for someone is to see tangible results and that pushes you further! One thing I make sure to have after the trails workouts is a good protein shake. I have EAS Premium Protein that I got at Costco which is a chocolate shake that's good on its own, but I add strawberries or a banana to make it taste a little better. Its like a meal in itself!!

I have two phone interviews (tomorrow and Monday). Looking forward to both and will be preparing today, tomorrow and over the weekend. Hoping for in-person interviews and nothing more at this point. Being out of work for so long - over five months now - is tough. But I have to keep plugging away and soon something will pop for me.

Staying positive is tough, it really is, but if I can remain positive it helps not only me, but Jen and Maggie too. Jen's been really great about it so far. We've had our moments, trust me, but we're doing well as a team and this experience will really help us. Maggie is incredible, most mornings she yells at me and only wants Mommy when she wakes up, but today it was the opposite....loved that!! Today I'm picking her up from daycare and tomorrow I'm doing both trips which will be really cool. I thought about keeping her home with me tomorrow but I've done that before with a phone call for work and it didn't work too well.

This weekend lots of exercise planned, more trail work and some bike work. Pool time also for the family I think. Maggie is becoming quite a swimmer!! Also plan on working on the garden. My new grass is coming in well and originally I was hoping for 70% coverage and I think I'm at about 75-80% at the moment, so I'm pretty happy. Next step is to break down the play/swing set and build a new one. Will work on the vegetable garden also, my lettuce, strawberries and tomatoes are growing like crazy!!

I talked about staying positive. Its tough like I said, but I've also found there is some depression there too. Some afternoons I get very down when Jen and Maggie come home. Feeling down is the main reason I haven't posted on this blog in so long. For me writing is very therapeutic and I enjoy posting here, but there are some days when you end up just staring at the wall. Most times I give myself a mental slap and kick on with something new, but there are days I just stare like a zombie!!

Its tough to hear what people have done out of the house and I've been sitting here all day. I try to do work around the house but at the end of the day sometimes I just want to go to bed and get to tomorrow as quickly as possible. My ADD medicine helps keep me focused and if I schedule things I feel the satisfaction of having completed and task or made the efforts required.

I've taken steps to get back into my novel also. The working title is "Sandy Hook", this is an actual place in central New Jersey which I loved going to when I lived there. I finished re-writing the first chapter on Tuesday and I'm happy with it. Will continue to do little by little and get it hopefully published by Christmas. I get excited when I'm writing it, and I've found that I need to keep that current because it will help with my overall self-worth.

I also registered for the New York Marathon. I've been rejected in the lottery the last three years so hopefully that means I am selected this year. Its definitely a "bucket list" item for me. But I have some sources for my book in New York and New Jersey and I can combine the two if I'm selected. Another reason I did this was I have enough air miles to get me there and back. Just need to find a decent hotel. But I'll worry about the hotel when I'm selected!

Hope everyone has a great day today!

"It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves"

-Sir Edmund Hillary

Wednesday Morning - a new start

Howdy Y'All!

This morning started earlier than usual at 4.45am. Usually I'm up by 5.00 to help Jen with getting Maggie's lunch ready. Although I'm not working at the moment, I don't think that should prevent me from helping to get the little one ready for daycare, in fact I think I have an obligation to do more.

Anyway, this morning was a little treat for me. I got ready and headed out to the local golf course to do 18 holes. I got there early and waited in the cold. Hard to believe its almost 60F outside and heading for 70F, but at 6.30am, it was 41F. I managed to persuade some old guys to let me go ahead of them, so I had the course to myself. I don't think they turned on their hearing aids yet!

Today was a practice round because I'm trying to get better at golf and I have done a lot of work at the driving range, but until you get on a course, there's no way of finding out how things are going. I was glad to get out alone because I thought I would feel less pressure if there was only me. Golf is a funny game because most of the battles are fought between your ears and not on the grass!!

I had a few disasters but settled down after about four holes until I realized that I hadn't taken my medicine for my ADD. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy but living with ADD means that daily medicine is something that can be the difference between great days....and not so great days. I knew I couldn't get to the medicine until I finished, so I just told myself to play shot by shot and do my best and not worry about the score.

The overall score was not too great, but the important thing is that I hit the ball better than last time. It will all come good with practice, so I wasn't too unhappy with the overall score. I was proud that I got out and got over the nerves that I usually have on the golf course.

I got home and immediately took the medicine. I take an extended-release daily medicine called Vyvanse and it lasts 14 hours. As usual I saw a huge difference once I took it. Its not something magical that suddenly makes everything go your way. What it does is allows the brain to block out the potential distracting elements that usually interfere with the brain functions of an ADD sufferer.

Actually sufferer is a good word. For years/decades I though I was somehow incomplete, somehow "faulty" when I looked back at all the things I did. When I received the diagnosis last October, it didn't help me from being let go from my job about four weeks later. But the one thing I'm most proud of is that I went and got help for it. The therapist and psychiatrist who helped me really allowed me to understand and approach this on my own terms. It made sense when I was diagnosed, and I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I was initially scared because of my age and having a wife and child to support with no job. But I knew deep down that the future doesn't have to equal the past and the future can be so much better. Who you are today isn't what your life should be defined as. I know that now is the start of the next beautiful chapters of my life. Sure I still have some things that don't go as well now. But I'm learning to accept and move on rather than let things stew and boil over.

So today, I have made a resolution. My profile picture was taken about an hour ago and I'm also going to document my weight situation on MyPlate on www.livestrong.com. They have an application for my phone too. I'm going to document all fitness, calories consumed and weight daily so that I can really better understand the path back to fitness and allow me see progress and also where I need to adapt. Hard to believe that I was a professional cyclist in Europe in 1989, with my name in the papers almost weekly. Also, my weight today is 226.6lbs. Another "hard to believe" is that I weighed 154lbs when I came to the US in 1993. Those are two things I could beat myself up over but I'm going to change and it'll be new territory for me, its my adventure.

Off to lunch now, hope everyone has a great day!

Come on United!!!

"Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities... because it is the quality which guarantees all others."
Winston Churchill